Sunday, September 28, 2014

Never-Ending Story: What is love in a world full of reason?

After a night full of insomnia, full of thoughts that kept me imprisoned in a semi-somnolent dream, I have to write down some sentences, right out of my heart.

"Love does not dominate; it cultivates." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I was questioned the question that did start all this endless thinking: "What is your type?" I began to wonder and started to realise: The world is so full of reasons, even reasons for loving. Mainly, I have always been so optimistic to think that you love because of love but yes... even a romantic idealist as I am, has got a type - even I never explicitly manifested that somewhere before.

I started to group and cluster all kind of answers that came present inside of my head. The immense overwhelming thoughts kept me awake and busy. To bring reason into this aimless exposure of my brain cells, I severed myself from the results of a workshop about "private virtues" in life. Why? Because I think it makes sense that all your virtues are more or less to be fulfilled with someone you love. You won't want to be with someone who hinders or blocks your goals or purpose in life, right?

I do not analyse the whole list of the 10 virtues that came up as a result and they are not prioritised.

  1. Progress
  2. Yes! Yes! Love means progress, and I could never understand how some people seem to deny love or a relationship because they think it blocks/brakes them down or similar! Love is one of the best motivators in life! It means progress! You can progress with someone to something you have never been before! As long as you choose - of course - someone who brings you forward and is interested in mutual support and care. Love should never be one-sided. I know, Love is sometimes blind,I know, but that does not mean you should not try to see "Where it could progress to".

  3. Fun
  4. Yes! To love and be loved is of course sometimes very challenging and also not easy, but who said Fun equals Easy? That Equation does not count for me. To me, Love is not boring, it is fun and makes life interesting. It is more boring and less fun if you go along the planet completely lost and alone. Of course, you can have good times by yourself, but sharing your stories, who would mind? I love challenges and I always believe that every problem is divided by two if you are with someone.

  5. Loyalty

  6. Yes! Ever since I started to think, I believed in loyalty. Sometimes, I even idealised it too much. But where else - if not in love - you can  find this unlimitedly beautiful thing called determined loyalty? I always remember how often I was so loyal even to the point that I did hurt myself.  And still, it never felt like it was a wrong thing to be. The ones that are wrong are the ones that misused my trust, my determined mind, isn't it?

  7. Partnership

  8. Yes! It seems to be obvious, but sometimes it isn't. Love and relationship is mutual. You are partners! None of both should dominate the other. A clear communication and mutual respect is very necessary. And of course trust.

  9. Intelligence

  10. Yes! Even it is of course not the interpretation most people would put into it. To me, intelligence flows in many directions and could be anything that keeps someone on a good level for blossoming conversation, treasured dates and mutual thinking. I know, I sometimes lack in conversation myself but I think I couldn't go for someone I could not talk with. I love to talk.

  11. Curiosity

  12. Yes! Be curious about me! I am also curious about you! Life is too beautiful to be a mindless stone, explore! Go somewhere! Travel with me! Conquer with me!

  13. Responsibility
  14. Yes! To be with someone means to be also responsible for his own actions. To me, any kind of relationship is like being like a small little family. I do not want to harm my family and I have to be responsible for being a good 'husband' or 'partner'. I expect the same.

Now, 7 is a lucky number and I do not want to bore you, dear readers :)
I just needed to write some of my thoughts down before it drives me sleepless for some other nights... As I can see now, my type of person is more clear to me now.

Talk to you soon!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

How to survive Abandonment: Keeping the eyes open.

Brief Intro

Having spent some time in retrospection of the various events of this year, I finally realized that the flood of new experiences and influences did cloud my vision and discernment. I deeply apologize to everyone that I have been giving too much egocentricity in between this year.

As you guys already know, I started to found a new life by the beginning of this year. Soon, with the moving into my new own apartment, there will be another change in my life. I know that I did sometimes forgot my humbleness and spammed people a lot with information about all the great experiences I have. This has to stop, I do not want to annoy people with talking too much about myself anymore.

The fragile art of self-reflection

Self-reflection is not easy, which is really obvious. We need to stop and take a breath and break out of our daily and ordinary doings to realize that there might be something suspicious or wrong about our executed deeds.
“I think making mistakes and discovering them for yourself is of great value, but to have someone else to point out your mistakes is a shortcut of the process.”

This quote is really true. But almost always, people are too polite to directly tell you your mistakes. They will prefer to avoid you or give you some kind of response that is hiding the message. In my point of view, the reaction on you done by other people is mostly the best help and assistance you can have and to learn. But is really difficult as well.

What happens when you are already avoided by many? If you do not self-reflect and find the real reason in your inner-self, a change about the situation is never going to happen. But people fear change, and I just read an article that there are way more people that fear success than anyone would expect. It is difficult to make a change or to make a difference... It is way easier to dumb your senses by self-comforting sadness.

"Be yourself beautiful, and you will find the world full of beauty."

If you talk about your misery and sadness all the time, how can you achieve happiness? It is not always about yourself, and the world is also not only about yourself. In my point of view, self-reflection is only a limited tool:

Yes, we do need to look upon ourselves and wonder "How would I react to a person like me? Is there anything I could improve in my daily behaviors?" but we have to be firstly consistently and secondly cordial. We need to be aware that we cannot change our subconscious rules, but we can give it the necessary impulse or stimuli to change it's set rules and conditions.

Spiritual Guidance

During my days, months and years, I often lost track of spiritual guidance. At first, the absence will not really be realized, sad but true. Only when I get reminded by a tiny but unmistakable occurrence, I repent and see my own failure.

Ramadan is coming soon, and I really have set the goal to use the possibility to regain spiritual stability and to regain my humbleness and discipline. I wish you all to gain the same. Please take the possibility to gain guidance and enlightenment. None of us is perfect but we all can rely on all the pillars offered to us.

Some people make their goals the stars,
They may live and die never reaching them,
but in the darkness of the night, those stars will guide them to their destination,
because they put them in their sights.
How long will you keep pounding on an open door
Begging for someone to open it?

- Rabia al-Adawiyyah

Monday, October 28, 2013

Never-ending Story: My Fight against Oblivion


"Mad? Are we mad milord, or is it perhaps that our truth is maddening." -Malkavian Phrase
That is a perfect question: As we fear the unknown so extensively, won't we distant ourselves from new, unknown ideas and inventions? Won't we keep ourselves in distance to what might be the unfavorable truth? Wouldn't we even close our eyes to truths and revelations just to avoid being seen as mad... and don't we prefer to stand with the majority of world views and to close everything away that seems strange, weird and even insane to us?

The humans invented a lot of infrastructures to get rid of the abnormal, the ones that thrill us out and give us fear and stress: the sick are in their hospital, the old are in their nursing home, the mad have their own asylums, the disabled have their own schools, the psychiatrists are feared, the criminals are in their prison and even the foreigners have got their own schools and immigration centers.
It may sound extreme... but try to think out of the box of society: Isn't it clear that there are institution for the "normal" and institutions for the "abnormal"? Two worlds that live parallel but that seem to seldom collide. Which reminds me how hard we try to belong to somewhere... Is this natural herd instinct actually the reason to abandon and replace?
"For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?" - W. H. Auden
Humans do not want to be alone. They fear loneliness and they fear entering the void of being forgotten. "Who will remember us?", we wonder and start to realize that the only thing we can do to avoid that kind of situation is to stay sane, to stay with the herd, to not be left behind. But what if you are different, what if you are not knowing where you belong to? 

I often realize that my expectations towards society are different to that of socially accepted norms. This gives me very difficult times sometimes. When this happens, I feel lime I am crumbling apart and loosing myself. I am fighting some kind of shadow, called loneliness. Most people do not understand how a always smiling, always friendly guy like me can feel like this. Most people do not understand how someone who always has family members and friends around himself can feel like this.
What most people just don't know, I am a man of high expectations. Expectations that sometimes hurt myself, and I am very sensitive too. I tried to lower them ever since but I am always missing the past days where I could live different. I spent a lot of effort to organize myself and my life, to keep it maintained. I am very well trained in doing things my way. 
Still, I value the accompany of someone more than anything. I do not need the biggest, the most fabulous free-time activities. I am always more than happy just to have people around me that I can feel close to. I remember the days where it was just more than nice when my friends sat in my living room and watched Pokemon while I was doing assignments on my notebook. It just felt great to know I am having great accompany... and to know we all can go to super market and cook later together.

Sometimes I wonder what has changed, but yes... people come and go. And it is hard to maintain a friends circle. What this all has to do with Madness and Civilization, you may wonder?

Like the mad have their own Asylums, away from civilization, hidden from peoples eyes... Where is the different to the kind of life that I so often have to experience? Maybe it is just a phase of my life, but loneliness and the feeling of being away from society preys on my mind way too often these days.

I am fully of faith, one day things will be different. I carry all my patience together and try to work hard to make that day come. I love life and I do not want to miss a thing. I got to know some new friends recently, and I try to keep my expectation not too high as I fear to get hurt again, but I give it a chance - maybe it is a new beginning.