How to survive the present: Being unattached to the past

“The past is just something that's over.” - A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood

Sometimes, the past seems to be like a haunting, lurking ghost. Instead of letting the present take place with one hundred percent of your attention, its echoes always seem to be within earshot. You cannot flee from your past. Still, often we are the once that cling to it. That is understandable, as we are created by our experience, our knowledge and taught skills. It seems so easy, you learn by mistake, you do what makes you happy and will not put your hand on the oven once it got hurt by the fire.

As you all remember, I officially abandoned all the grudges I held to who ever hurt me, who ever had bad influence in my life and who ever did me wrong. It is true, it is a part of cutting the strings that held me back to my past. Still, I will always be defined by my past, by my academic grade, by my actions, what I did at which date and what I did not do. People will always remember me for who I was. It is all about expectations: The hypothesis that people are not random, they follow a route, a course. People desire to be determined and predictable. People desire to construct a possible outcome about any kind of action. They do fear the unknown, as I once mentioned before.

"It will not end, you know. Not until you acknowledge what you are." - Jon Irenicus

 Will you always run from your past? Or will you always keep it in mind and not live in the present? In my eyes, both are the same. When you run away, when you fear something, you have it always in present thought. Running away is the second step that happens when you lived in your past for too long and want to escape. My friends, I just can recommend, make peace with your past. The past is over, it was beautiful, it was painful, you suffered and laughed.... but you survived, you still live. Will you always keep on telling yourself: Wow! Look what I went through?

To me, the past is a gift and a curse. I been in all these dark and bright places, I battled myself all through it. I did not get lost somewhere, I did not become one with the forgotten realms of time. I am still here, and yes, I have my past. I survived, and maybe I can proud of myself. Still, I should not keep my wounds all so green. I battled, and my wounds have healed or become scars. I stand here and now and I do only talk about my past when being asked about it, even I sometimes have the kind of flashbacks that always remind me of the old stories of war heroes, that I heard before. 

I know, the future will be different to the past, I cannot call anything back, and there is no need to. Who wanted to leave left, who wanted to stay, stayed. I dance my dance in a fancy pair of shoes. The grey curtain falls softly on my past and I see the future more or less clear.

Living in the present is an important teaching in Buddhism, and I think that it is an important fact for every Existentialist. The opportunity is NOW. No matter how many failures or victories are behind you. You can raise or you can fall. You are your own master of destiny. Your hero in disguise.

Matter of strategy: How to feel again?

Forgiveness, my friends, is the first step to an easier life. Let your wounds heal, do not keep them open. To cling to the past means nothing but keep clinging to pain. Let go the grudges of yesterday. There exists so much better than keeping the mind full of memories about things you cannot make undone.

So, my friends, I decided to officially announce absolute forgiveness to everyone who has done wrong to me, who cause me pain of any kind for any reason. I know, within my heart, you did not know any better. And there is no need to keep reminding myself about it. I never held much anger against anybody, but the very few exceptions kept my mind busy enough. I opened my eyes and see the only truth is that I been expecting too much from some people that I cannot change or force to be some over-perfect ideal i always dreamed of. Men do mistakes, I do mistakes. I forgive all of you.

By letting the pain go, I fear to be less attached to reality. Even less than ever before. Most people know that I always seem to be a bit weird in social interactions. Some people do think I am clumsy with them, and others think I am a mystic puzzle. The sad truth is, I am not always feeling connected to what bothers the daily mind of other peoples. I love conversations, the deep kinds. I have and had a lot of dreams, which I do not know which to fulfill the first, and I would love to see some sympathy about them in others. But it seems very hard to be an integrated part in this world. It is weird how sadness gave me comfort and pain gave me the feeling of being alive. I do not want this anymore. I want to live, to be part of the machine called life.

Most people would not see life like a clockwork anyway. I observed the world, where everything moved so perfectly, precisely... but where too many things kept on floating away from me as well. I feel like a passive member within this clockwork. Deep inside my heart, I know that something would be missing when I am not there, but it is hard to identify what it is. Most people will say "You act, you affect your world.". That might be true but only if you think locally, within the own clockwork called life. Everything is in order for most people, it is a whole big setup. Like a tinker, a watchmaker, I dissect the clockworks... I observe every part in detail within a magnifier. The time feels like a stand still to me while I observe, while I try to understand. Is it the right way to be a part of life this way? I think definitely not. It only makes me question every stone, every leaf, every man and the meaning of existence.

How to come over this, you may ask? I believe, I only know one true answer about this. I know I cannot walk on this planet alone. I am frighteningly lonely. Still, it takes a lot of effort to let somebody close to me. You can stand next to me, you can talk days and nights with me, you can live years with me, and yet I can close up a lot about me towards you and you do only partially know me. This walls, I have setup for protection, I have to let them down for somebody I can trust, I can stay with, someone who will not become bored of me and I would not become bored of. 

What a dream. I am full of dreams. Can I ever completely fulfill them? Can I make my ideas become true? I see the clockworks, with a pipette I analyze the humans. Mankind, am I part of it? Sometimes I question my own status within this network of clockworks, that work, unquestioned. You do not ask yourself why the clock is working, you just let it run forward. It is scary to feel so abstractly and absurdly standing away from all this. Being obsessed with an idea of being able to understand the world completely, it can only lead in megalomania or narcissism. I feel a bit of both within my veins... whispering slightly. I know I am not such kind of person, it is just a defensive method to keep myself from falling apart.

Still, to recall again: I think I have to learn what it means to love, what it means to feel for and with someone. This is the only cure for all the mentioned above. The cure from something that may eat me alive if I do not take care about it.

Give me your suggestions, young fledglings, how to be a part of society again? Or how to live a normal life as a nomad or wolf/bear at least?

Matter of Strategy: Living Existentialism

As announced in my former posting about existentialism (Click here), I want to go further into the matter of Existentialism. I formerly said, that I would like to concentrate/focus on existential Buddhism. Even I will focus on Buddhism, I decided to bring in existential ideas of individuals from different beliefs and world views. Even there is some resistance in my veins to talk freely and openly about this kind of topic (as religion and politics seem to generally cause a lot of useless flame wars instead of constructive discussions), I think it is time to talk more about what I thought, what I felt, what I want to share with you since so long. Do not take it as an offense, do not take it as disrespect. It is just my current subjective view on the whole thing.

Your mind is filled, overloaded, tired. Everything is on your mind, you attach yourself and grab for everything reachable. When our minds fill with ideas, with expectations, with goals... we more and more drive ourselves into a stasis. Slowly we become a standing still pendulum.

"Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. [..] Be water, my friend." - Bruce Lee

Why do we have to attach ourselves so much on so many things. We suffocate ourselves while we stuff our mind full of expectations, dreams and goals. How do you know, as a human, what is good or bad for you? How do you know that good things are not going to come? Good things that would never have come when the bad things did not happen? Limited is our view on things. Let go and be in perpetual motion. A standstill is deadly and takes away space to breath and to think. Change is inevitable, so why should you become stone. A wall of stone can shatter into thousand peaces. If you are water, you always move, you change your forms and you flow through existence without fear, without suffering.

"Existentialism holds that there are no (or at least few) universal truths about human nature — the individual is what is important, and the individual is free to make his or her life in any way imaginable." - Colin Temple

Existentialism takes into consideration the underlying concepts:

• Human free will
• Human nature is chosen through life choices
• A person is best when struggling against their individual nature, fighting for life
• Decisions are not without stress and consequences
• There are things that are not rational
• Personal responsibility and discipline is crucial
• Society is unnatural and its traditional religious and secular rules are arbitrary
• Worldly desire is futile

What does it mean in other words? It means to live means to suffer, to have to go through a lot of problems and pains. It means you grow stronger through life and the way you grow lies in your own hands. This exactly fits to my former mentioned idea of being your own superhero (Click here). Everything in this world is giving to you. You can take it.

"The origin of suffering is attachment." - 2nd Noble Truth in Buddhism

Why do we let ourselves suffer? Because we are able to feel, we got emotions. We are emotionally, mentally, physically and monetary attached to a lot of things. People speak a lot about independence, individual freedom... the fact is, we are never free as long as we live. We have to accept the pain, it is inevitable. Still, we should not into melancholia or become negative human beings.

"Life brought me so I came; Death takes me so I go
I came not willfully; nor willfully I go." - Sheikh Muhammad Ibrahim Zauq

Life is a beautiful thing. It can be so beautiful and easy, if you just live... Too often we run from event to event, expectation to expectation, need to need. Give your mind a break, empty it... open your eyes. Look upon the beauty of heaven. Look on the beauty of earth. It is all given to you, and still you do pay so little attention to it because life is making you too busy to live. Isn't that sad?

“Buddhism holds that everything is in constant flux. Thus the question is whether we are to accept change passively and be swept away by it or whether we are to take the lead and create positive changes on our own initiative. While conservatism and self-protection might be likened to winter, night, and death, the spirit of pioneering and attempting to realize ideals evokes images of spring, morning, and birth.” -  Daisaku Ikeda

Flow through life... See the beauty given to you every morning... that seems fantastic. What more can you await from life otherwise? Stay calm, be productive.... produce positive changes in your life... don't be too attached with anything. Love what stays with you voluntary, not caused by force... do you really have to force things to stay with you?

As I said, we never know the cause of things. Don't be calm like a stone, wild as fire, thin as air... be like water and your life belongs to you. It was not your choice to be on earth and it is not your choice to live.

And remember... does something you force to stay really belong to you?