Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Never-ending Story: Raise and Fall

"What rises may fall, what has fallen may rise again"

Quote from the World of Darkness

Who does not know the story of the rise and fall of all the ancient and medieval kingdoms. The sand of time never stands still and even during the newest century, you can feel how kings or presidents are born, how long battles are held, many soldiers fall and new armies are settling up. You will never know what tomorrow will offer to you. Inside of this chaos called world, there is one single person standing, trying to find a home, to settle, to take a grip. All in all time and life seems like a whirlwind, whirling you around, you never know where you end up.

I experience the up and downs inside of that chaos very often. But I never kept myself down for long. Somehow I always am feeling like a confident kind of problem-solver. I experienced many falls in my life already, maybe not as many as other people felt, but yes, I did have my own private falls. Shattering kingdoms inside my heart, fade aways from loved ones, abandoned dreams.... Everybody experiences such things, but we should not keep staying inside of that negative void. Happiness can be found everywhere, if you accept it, rises can be found everywhere if you search for them. Nothing in this world works like a perpetuum mobile. You have to put energy on it.

Now, there may be a border for you to build up rises: Endurance. I know its hard to find the endurance to go on and move on like a machine. But nobody in the whole world said that you have to be like an endurable non-stop working zealot. Take your rests, take your times. Enjoy friendships and company. And if you think you do not have friends, stop complaining about it, start to find a way how to make them. Life is always threating the people the best, that do handle, that are brave.

I know, this all may sound bad, if you really feel lost, alone, left behind.... but in my opinion, even for you, there is a way for help. I realized, there are much more opportunities to enjoy life, than you may ever think of. And if you really feel worst, try to find help at places where you can await help. Do not be scared to stand towards your feelings. You do not need to share them with everybody, but you should share them with who you think you can. Or at least somebody, who can help you rising your head up again.

In my opinion, life may be a miracle, but there are patterns and rules in life, that you can hold and stick on, to be a good person, and somebody who enjoys a lot of love towards himself, and can offer a lot of love to others. Yes its true, love is a really important energy for everybody. Do not regret it, life is the great feeling of love.

Start today and love yourself. Soon you will seen you're loved by others. It works for me - my faith is with me that it will also work for you. And if you have any doubts, I officially say here: My love is with you.

So enjoy the day, and be happy, ok ???


Friday, May 14, 2010

Dark Mystery: The Vampire

Does not every but have heard many tales of them? From mysterious stalker who appears at night in girl's room till the willing-less monster slaughtering for blood?
But have you ever thought that the whole original vampire thing is just a metapher for humans and for something in the human flesh?

I thought about it for a while, and I got many conclusions. I realized, the Vampire is just a symbol for the feelings inside of humans that are all too well known and maybe hiding in many peoples heart. The vampire dramatizes them in a way that we get aware of such feelings and happenings.

What do I mean, what am I talking about?
The vampire is a dangerous creature, from ugly till unnaturally perfect. The vampire always has desires. Let's begin with the symbol of blood. The vampire is feeling the thirst for it, but don't you see its not about the physically blood, but it goes more deeper: It stands for the warmth of human nearness. The vampire is a monster, a dangerous creature.... somebody who cannot walk through the sun, means who cannot show his true appearance to everybody, who has to walk in shadows and to hide his self. He is a very lonely being. Only through the blood he can feel alive, he can feel that somebody stands close to him.

It is the same with the love a vampire desires really often. As a monster, he is not really to bind himself, he is not really able to let himself fall, but he wants to demand the right to own his own girl, not knowing that with his love he only throws the other girl into another catastrophe and disaster.

So he often waits in the shadows, with purest desire and thirst for love and nearness... for somebody who would be close to him. In fact he is the symbol for all the lonely people out there that have nobody... that do also feed themselves from the small meetings they can get in public places.

In fact, the vampire is not strong and invincible and adorable like he is often seen in movies or novels. He is nothing more than a weak, sad human being, that tries to search for his place to be. As he's a monster, everybody a vampire tries to touch will reveal refusion to him.

So, are you a Vampire? I am not anymore........

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Dark Mystery: Introduction before digging inside the topic

During my life, I spent a lot of time with the rules and history of the ancient and medieval ages. Till today, the old times are still fascinating and giving a quite heart-thrilling feeling and atmosphere towards me. My readings and researches about history started with old ancient Egypt. That is already very long time ago, and my interest altered more and more. I am still thinking a lot of mysteries and mysterious events, but I started to tune in my sensors to many different topics, from old to modern. And I realized, it is always the dark side of mystery that interests me the most.

At first, I guess why I am studying computer science and am so interested in it is not to program, or to set up my mobile phone to "everything's possible"-gadgets. I realized I am more fascinated by the idea, that machines or computer could have intelligence one day like humans have. It is a quite creepy and dark suppressing idea, making me once worried and scared, but in the other hand thrilled and excited. That is also one of the topics that I plan to be a main role in the book I want to work on. OK, many said they write a book, and so do I, but I am at least realistic and say, that I am still in research modus and will one day put all what I collected into one.

What does that have to do with my headline? I tell you... it is not only that I feel scared, thrilled or excited by machines.... I somehow even feel awed... Having much of respect to the kind of creation that is possible and has been possible. Somehow, I feel like some kind of a heretic by saying this, and I try to force my will to not go too highly into that field, but somehow this suppressed interest in machines and computational intelligence is always in there, inspiring me, and giving myself many dark ideas.

But I am not only somebody who is affected by the mystery of the machine, in some kind, I am also interested in the capabilities of the human mind. So I think, all this ideas and facts about magic, psi-energy and more... It makes me interested in researching in that fields as well. Somehow, it is quite spooky, and I am not really used to talk about this. But as I thought I want to free what is in my mind through this blog, why shouldn't I give it a try?

Some will think, it is strange to give so much energy and work into things that seem fictional and unrealistic. But I am a man of thoughts, I think a lot, and I have many kind of ideas, some may be also unrealistic. I am not thinking of this things in a childish way, so I think it is not that wrong like I do. And also, I am standing realistic in the world, it is just that I like the idea of there is something we still do not know about, something we can still find an answer too.

Today's, many people think, nearly all answers are given. People tend to think, that science is gonna solve everything.

There are also other mysteries that caught my interest, but maybe it is too much to write it all into one post. So I am gonna split it up in more parts that will appear from time to time. First parts will go deeper inside the machines topic, then I am gonna set a bridge towards the mysteries of the medieval times before I get further with the topic of magic and today's look on heroism.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Matter of Strategy: Settled or Nomad?

How often have you been asked where you come from? And how often did you ever thought about the answer? Did you ever thought about the answer? Have you ever wondered where may be your real origin? Hmmm..... maybe not, because your origin is given with your birth and you won't be able to change it anyways.

But what about your home? Do you think you have settled somewhere with strong roots? Or do you feel the change in your veins, not being at one place for too long? Do you enjoy it this way or do you feel something is wrong with it?

Even to talk about heritage was always a sensitive topic for me, but I realized that I have to take it as it is. Others seems to be able to talk about the greatest places where they come from and everybody stares in awe.... but when I saw that I am from Germany, it seems to be quite boring for others... but okey, I dont complain. I just do not like to say from where I am, I just am myself and feel like, the roots of my origin alone does not make me a person. Sometimes I feel like it would. But why should I mind too much?

What is a even deeper matter for me is, that I wonder always what in fact is my home place. I really miss the feeling of being home somewhere. Ok, I can visit my family, but even there, I do not feel like I am home there, I more feel like... I "was" home there, and I am coming back for a visit. Like a memory of a memory that will never fade.... so nice, sweet and recharging. But I cannot live in memories only, right?

So, I made my thoughts about, if I have home somewhere at all.... and I realize, that it is not really the fact. It seems like, I always avoided to settle somewhere too long, even if it would have been good for myself.

Some examples random examples, and why they are related to this topic:
I really like to play games, but I rarely play them: I am totally in love to games, I admit,
I could keep playing non stop, but I don't. Everybody knows that I like games, but I do not search much contact with other Gamers. That means, I did not choose to be home in a gamers community.

I am interested in computer science but I rarely talk about it and am not much interested in computer science related conversation: Ok, you know it already, I just DO program, I DO solve computer related problems, I just WORK and STUDY with computer science. But in my free time I don't. This way, all other computer scientists totally expelled me from the possibility to settle in their community.

I most of the time listen to music that nobody other listens to: Makes it quite hard to hear anything else than "I am sorry, I am not into that kind of music" when the topic "What music do you like?" Topic pops up. This topic is even more harder for me, as I do not really only listen to only one kind of music, but I like a lots of music. But I more observe what music is around and pick out what I like, but I cannot really actively say something about it instead of "yes i like" or "no i dont like"..... hmmm...... I am so random today....

Germans threat me like I am not a German, Foreigners threat me like I am a German: Quite Paradox. And it is one of the biggest deals for me. I seem to be some kind of alien race that does not fit in any of both circles. I could talk about this for ages, but I better do not talk much.


I do not really know why I started all this. So I better do not talk to much about it anymore. I just wanted to share:

"Sometimes, I wonder where I could settle down without feeling like not really belonging there...."

That does not make me thinking negatively or unfaithful. It just means that I think, that I miss being with somebody......

Sunday, May 2, 2010

How to survive Techno-Mania: Friendship!

Who does not know the feelings? Your day is totally crazy and wild and insane... A lot of things are frustrating you... and that on a Sunday, where you should enjoy your free time!
Many scientists of many different fields made a research and found out what you need to survive even days like that: FRIENDS!

In this article you will find an incomplete collection of examples, what a friend who tries to cheer you up can look like:

But that is not all a friend can do, fooling around is of course a lot of fun and can often bring a lot of joy, but sometimes there are things bothering you, that even can make you feel like it could not be any worst.

Today, was a day where I suddenly had to feel like this. My project leader wrote me an intimidating email, my mum told me that my grandmother is sick, Maike wrote to me that she became sick... sigh....

I found a picture how I could have looked like this early afternoon:

Not so optimistic right? Now people may wonder what my headline could mean? Of course there is a story behind it: The earlier mentioned Email from my project leader.... the content of the Email was really intimidating me. Threating me like I did misuse the System for fun. Of course I didn't! I didn't even misuse it... I just opened my computer like everyday, I installed new software on it a day before and it worked... so on Saturday, I started the software another time... but then! Connection Refused! I wondered what's wrong, so I wrote to my project leader... then Sunday I do get a Big Boom reply! Telling me it's my fault that I am a windows user and everything.... OMG..... All I wanted to do was to make sure that there is a problem from my side or there side... the crazier is, that the Software without any changes on my computer works again... so... what should be wrong?? I felt so frustrated and totally spammed over with unuseful technical stuff.

I was so frustrated that I really needed somebody to talk to... so I reported what happened how shocked I am to one of my very and very best friends... First he didn't really understand what was wrong (but neither did I), but he listened well and carefully.... and understood it completely, asking me some questions... and then he said it:

"Just sing!"

OMG.... I did never know that somebody can know me that well... He said this words and suddenly all my bad feeling of frustration was gone and I had to smile very big... It is really beautiful and a very great feeling, if you see that somebody knows you better than yourself.
I was too frustrated to even think about singing... but the thought to sing a song and to live on gave me a really great feeling.

Never will I forget this day, never will I forget these words.... I never knew they could make me that emotional, but I have to let it out....

Now my project work is nearly finished..... and I did it while singing!

For everybody who knows my facebook: One of the singing experiments can be found there (thanks Nina!) ;-)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Matter of Strategy: Indonesian Survival

Hadirin dan Hadirat!

As some of you may already know, a airplane will deliver me straight towards Jakarta at 28th of August this year! The beautiful country of Indonesia will host me for 30 full days!

Now I am wondering about a lot of things. As I never was in any foreign country by my own, there are many things to plan and to know. Somehow, all the warnings from my family members and other Germans do intimidate me a little bit. So I would be a little bit please, if you all can help me with "How to" instead of telling me lots of warnings like "You will get sick, you will get hurt, you will have problems with.....". Of course there are a lot of things to realize and to know about, but I am willing to study it all and to prepare myself really well. I won't go there blind.

I am really happy to have the chance to travel to a place where I always wanted to be... and also, to get a lot of good opportunities. During the time I am going to be there, Idul Fitri (Hari Raya) will be celebrated on 10th of September. And I am going to experience how it is truly celebrated in a beloved atmosphere of a family (thank you Irvan for your invitation.... I feel really blessed).
My other fixed plans are to visit Surabaya, Yogjakarta, Gunung Bromo and a few days of Bali (even as Bali has not the really MUST BE priority). I'll attend the travel with two of my good friends, but later on, there are many things I may have to do by my own.

I already informed myself somehow, but still I feel like "what is going to happen, what kind of adventure will I experience?". So I ask you all, what kind of recommendations or insider tips to do you have for a Bule like me to have a good, nice and safe stay and journey? As everybody knows, I can be clumsy, naive and sometimes not that aware of my surroundings, but I am going to do my very best to be strong and experienced! :)

First, I want to tell you, anytime you would like to write an email to me, my Blog-Email adress is Paklung.Tony - AT - googlemail.com (also linked in my profile). Every nice mail will be answered, others will be ignored... haha ^_^ I hope I wont be flooded, otherwise its hard to answer all messages ;) But in the other hand, its better than an empty mail box!

My first step now is to make a surely and fixed travel plan. I know, there are many good places I would like to visit, but I will have to sieve... huhu... 30 days already do not seem to be enough...

As I planned to write it, I was thinking about asking many questions, but somehow, my head is empty for questions right now... So.... maybe you can freely give me advices?

New posts about Indonesia are surely gonna come!

Oh, one question is in my mind:
"How to I 100%ly perfectly prepare for a 30 days vacation, what should I definitely take with me from Germany? Expect clothes of course, hehehe"

Hope you all are enjoying the weekend!



Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How to survive as a computer scientist: Nerd Alarm!

Every time I enter the university, I feel like in another world. Nothing seems like at any other places in the world. If I talk with people outside of the university, they tell me that they thought they could only find the world I am reporting about inside the TV.... So wrong!

I couldn't believe it also at first, but if you study a recent subject you are totally entering the TV stage... You nearly can even sit somewhere at university and make guesses who studies what... Even more embarrassing is the fact that nearly all computer scientists are the stereo-type Nerd! Yes, I tried to find friends from my co-students.... and only the girls in my subject seem to think it is a normal thing to study Computer Science but to NOT talk about programming, webdesign, JAVA Garbage Collectors, the newest CPU, that you should move your HD content every six month and and and and and.... The more crazy is the fact, that you see how they programm their own OS for their new hardcore Notebook, but are not able to pass the first term lecture in programming?!

At first I was a little bit intimidated through the atmosphere I had to freshly deal with. I just came from school and had nothing bad in mind expect that I wanted to study Computer Science... Ok, I have some computer related hobbies, but that's it.... I realized really soon, that I have to be careful what to say to whom... Others won't talk to you anymore if you are not up-to-date for the newest methods to hack into your handy and to program your own funny games on it... Crazy crazy..... Even sooner I realized, that the other students did not like to talk to me as I was not really interested in their discussions... and so, Semester to Semester I just studied class by class and passed them all... while all the others where discussing about their self-made OS, their recent experience with unknown programing languages and and and....... I know I sound maybe arrogant here... I apologize, but I just cannot understand how the others with all their big knowledge cannot pass the classes....

Luckily, I had a course that changed my life: The software engineering laboratory! Without it, none of the computer science girls would have been in so good memory to me... I had a lot of fun and enjoyed it really much.... And from this course I have found my best Computer Science Friend: Maike! She is funny, she is smart, she is capable of everything, works hard and talks no single word about computer science outside of the university! That's what I really needed to cheer up my life... now its 3 years of friendship, and I only can be really happy about it! Yay!!!!

Another hint to all stereo-type scientists: What is so wrong to sometimes deal with people that don't want to deal with all that stuff... and what is so wrong to say "good morning" if somebody who studied in the same class with you says the same to you? huhu.....

So far so good, I know the article is a little bit weird... but i am a green-horn ^_^

Friday, April 23, 2010

German Crime Scene: Modern Bachelor vs. Traditional Diploma

I know it is quite a long time ago that, through the Bolognia process, Bachelor Studies are integrated in all Academies inside of Germany. On the start of the process, many discussions where held about it, most of them didn't seem to have any serious kind of content. Right now, the discussions flatted, the only voices heard right now seem to be the voices of the lazy, that scream "In the old diploma system, you didn't have to do homework during the semester!" or anything that is related to this. But why do the homeworks seem to be a problem after all? Is the real reason for this really that something like homeworks exists?

Let's do a review:

In the old diploma system, homeworks where mostly only voluntary. You did not have to do them, only if you wanted to get more confident with the content ect. Most students only went to the tutorials or classes, wrote down the solutions for the tasks, and then left the class again. Zero parciptation to anything further.
Teachers where annoyed.... why do they give exercises? And more further, students liked to complain if something was not discussed in class... In teachers eyes, the students would have known what to do if they just learned the content better.... But they got no feedback, if the exercises where too easy or too hard!

In the new and modern bachelor systems, homeworks are compulsive. You are not allowed to do the exam, when your not doing the homework.... seems quite normal for foreign students, right? So far so good, but if you take a closer look, the teachers feel really motivated to give the students as much homework as they can... forgetting one thing: the students now only concentrate on what is necessary to do the tasks, and even worst, they do not review the homeworks anymore... before, after class, you read what was the exercise about..... and now? No time, have to do other homework... project group, laboratory, math, programming, more programming, reading a paper, and not to forget: more programming.... its like a huge pile and amount of work....

Now everybody is complaining how good it was, that no homework needed to be done before the change... But be realistic: in all other countries, a lot of homework is awaiting you and it is very very normal.... only that there was no homework before makes the chance so painful for some of us students. A student is not a "lazy" guy, who goes to university to listen to something, and who is completely free the rest of the week...

In my eyes, sometimes, I feel also bad or overstressed with all the work on my desk, but to be honest: If I just do it, I was always able to get it empty.... Like now, only one homework left that has to be done till Monday, and it is 66% finished... and the other tasks are done but have to be written a second time in calligraphy...

And still, I feel, that something is weird or strange since the Bachelor System is here....
I tell you why:

You feel left alone.... in the old diploma system, as there was no really planned collaboration between students, no really "needed" communication between teachers and students, everything was all right.....

But what is about now: Students should have to collaborate to get the homework done easily! You have a question, why not ask the teacher??! Ooohhh.... allright, here in Germany, the teachers and tutors do not really want to be disturbed.... but why should you care about it too much? It is you that needs help.... To get into contact with other students is much harder of course, but you should not give up, give it a try, talk to the others in your class..... Oh... there is the problem that you cannot hand in homework as a Team? Why is that a problem, work together, but write it down in your way.... sigh......

I have to admit, I really have to work alone all the time, but at least I learned that it is not a big problem to talk to some of the teacher's lecture team... maybe not the main teacher himself, but one of the tutors, or his assistant, or some other guy in his office, one of them is always a good and right communication partner for you in case of need.... try to find out who you can talk with... it will help you a lot to survive in german universities....

But still: the best that can happen to you is to find somebody to study with... But its tough to find that.

In my eyes, as university is still seen as a place you work alone, teachers are always not so present and hide themself in cellars and offices and do even sometimes not want to be disturbed. And this also makes students feel unconfident about asking around, being present, giving feedback.....

I guess in other countries, this works already better.... what do you think????