How often have you been asked where you come from? And how often did you ever thought about the answer? Did you ever thought about the answer? Have you ever wondered where may be your real origin? Hmmm..... maybe not, because your origin is given with your birth and you won't be able to change it anyways.
But what about your home? Do you think you have settled somewhere with strong roots? Or do you feel the change in your veins, not being at one place for too long? Do you enjoy it this way or do you feel something is wrong with it?
Even to talk about heritage was always a sensitive topic for me, but I realized that I have to take it as it is. Others seems to be able to talk about the greatest places where they come from and everybody stares in awe.... but when I saw that I am from Germany, it seems to be quite boring for others... but okey, I dont complain. I just do not like to say from where I am, I just am myself and feel like, the roots of my origin alone does not make me a person. Sometimes I feel like it would. But why should I mind too much?
What is a even deeper matter for me is, that I wonder always what in fact is my home place. I really miss the feeling of being home somewhere. Ok, I can visit my family, but even there, I do not feel like I am home there, I more feel like... I "was" home there, and I am coming back for a visit. Like a memory of a memory that will never fade.... so nice, sweet and recharging. But I cannot live in memories only, right?
So, I made my thoughts about, if I have home somewhere at all.... and I realize, that it is not really the fact. It seems like, I always avoided to settle somewhere too long, even if it would have been good for myself.
Some examples random examples, and why they are related to this topic:
I really like to play games, but I rarely play them: I am totally in love to games, I admit,
I could keep playing non stop, but I don't. Everybody knows that I like games, but I do not search much contact with other Gamers. That means, I did not choose to be home in a gamers community.
I am interested in computer science but I rarely talk about it and am not much interested in computer science related conversation: Ok, you know it already, I just DO program, I DO solve computer related problems, I just WORK and STUDY with computer science. But in my free time I don't. This way, all other computer scientists totally expelled me from the possibility to settle in their community.
I most of the time listen to music that nobody other listens to: Makes it quite hard to hear anything else than "I am sorry, I am not into that kind of music" when the topic "What music do you like?" Topic pops up. This topic is even more harder for me, as I do not really only listen to only one kind of music, but I like a lots of music. But I more observe what music is around and pick out what I like, but I cannot really actively say something about it instead of "yes i like" or "no i dont like"..... hmmm...... I am so random today....
Germans threat me like I am not a German, Foreigners threat me like I am a German: Quite Paradox. And it is one of the biggest deals for me. I seem to be some kind of alien race that does not fit in any of both circles. I could talk about this for ages, but I better do not talk much.
I do not really know why I started all this. So I better do not talk to much about it anymore. I just wanted to share:
"Sometimes, I wonder where I could settle down without feeling like not really belonging there...."
That does not make me thinking negatively or unfaithful. It just means that I think, that I miss being with somebody......