Monday, December 12, 2011

Matter of Strategy: The utility man

I often forget who or what I have. My eyes can seriously so often only focus on one thing at once. No matter its a good thing or a bad thing that I have in my focus, it will always drag me away from everything else. And so often, I feel like so sorry for that... as I do not pay too much attention on who I should.

From all them, there is one guy that I always call my utility man, who I forget to thank for all he did just too often: Arno.

As he heard from my misery I have to go through, he called me and asked to visit me at last weekend. I denied and told him that he reminds me so much of the whole sad thing and that I really could not stand it... I was so mean! Anyways, I agreed to meet him today.

The time he went through the door, I gave him a hug, I suddenly felt like a big stone is falling from my chest and my whole body shivered while I started to cry like crazy. It never felt so right to cry... the whole weekend, I felt so lost, not knowing what to do, OK I went shopping and thought its fine, but the time I was alone in my room I was totally down again... I am seriously like nearly never crying in front of someone, but that time... my feeling overwhelmed my mind...

Arno did not talk much at first, he just stand there and let my emotion flow... I could not believe that it would actually happen this way, but now I understand that I should never be so careless about him as I was in the last few weeks ever again. I know him since 6 years, and equally to what I did, he always knew to support me, even he did sometimes really harshly disagree with what I was doing...

I don't know, we talked, and we began to plan how to spent the winter holidays... I told him, I had a really great idea what to do, if I still had a chance to change the matters that is bothering me to tears and sickness since last Friday - I would seriously have been doing it, but I realize that I lost, and I cannot change it. All I can hope is for a happy ending out of it though...

And as long as I am waiting for what the future will bring:

I have my utility man, the eldest wolf of my wolf pack... <3

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Never-ending Story: The wolf pack

Everybody knows it: You are the lonesome wolf, an individual that works like a machine on it's own. You think you are on your own, you think you wander through your own wild steppe. You think you have to deal with all your problems alone. You think you are alone and left behind: You are so untrue! No matter what happens, you always have other wolves not far from you, that hear your howl, that know when something is wrong, that read your mind, that make you cope all kind of problems. You and them, you are like a loose pack of wolves.

Sometimes you are lucky and you have wolves around you that are not that much out of sight, you see them often, they care for you any second in over all completeness. Then, there are the wolves that are always hiding somewhere, and you would never think they have an eye on you... but the moment they see you are in danger, they jump out of their hiding and strengthen you without being asked. There are the wolves, that just watch and don't act but wait for you telling them about your need. They all make up your own individual wolf pack.

When I think of that, I always think of the Quentin Tarantino Movie Reservoir Dogs: How all the Mr.'s that never really saw each other before found a pack of wolves that go on with a mission together.

And yeah, I am so in need of my wolf pack right now. And I see, that I am the kind of lonesome wolf that did not showed up in sight since a very long time. I was happy with staying somewhere in my own hut, my hut of happiness... and I need to get my acceptance from the rest of the wolves back, as it is hopeless to think that I would ever be back into the hut I did build up before...

It might be a hard work, but now I am really in need to find a new kind of wolf pack to surround myself with, or reactivate the wolves I were used to had but were not spending time on or with since such a long time. And then, I have to accept the wolves that really try to help me, but that also have their own fight to do. I should not bother them too much.

A wolf pack, and I need to manage it. After all, I think it fits well... cause we all humans are wolves right?

As who I read this: Yes, I need to get my wolf pack, but I am also not really in need to beg or desperately surround myself with random wolves. The ones I can depend on will surround myself by themselves, 'cause that's how a wolf pack works like.

I might be silent for a while, but you still know where to find me, kan? <3

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Matter of Strategy: How to start an end?

Fear takes over bones and flesh. You still do not know what will or may await you. There is only one single thing that still keeps you away from future. Passing it will change you forever and you would start to miss another past, a felt century of joy, pain, hard work and confusion. Shackles are already starting to lose as there is no more module manual that tells you what to do. It only speaks about that you will need to write a so called thesis. But what is that thesis, how to find your way through it? I feel a bit lost. I try to talk to the professor and teachers...

After all, I now know what I am so called to do. And still, when is the right point to start and where? It feels strange that after I am ordered for many semesters on what to do and what exams to write, I suddenly shall completely create something. And after all, it still feels like just another project work, only that I created the project topic by myself. I pray hard to god that I will get through this smoothly and that my ideas will be rewarded by success. Especially the pressure given by my family makes me even feel more nervous and insecure. So from time to time I tend to more think about "what if's" than to keep working hard as usual. I have the faith in myself that I can succeed with everything, but it feels strange that others seem to be more concerned about a fail than I am myself ?

I think I shall just not listen. And go straight forward. I already read a lot about information retrieval and about Cassandra, a NOSQL database that I will use for on-line data processing. The whole theme is clear to me, I know what to do. I have algorithms in my head and know what I need. I have papers on my desk, books in my shelf, my head full of inspiration. And still, the reproduced work out of it is nearly zero yet.

Yesterday, I wrote my last exam paper. I pray hard that now, as I have no other obligation, there will be nothing more to hinder me to be an official Computer Scientist.

Remember I was in Indonesia? My plans to go to South-Asia after my study are going more and more concrete. Another working lot, another thing I have to start. And again, I first finished my area of exams, then I finish my whole area of study, in the end I will even finish my whole area of Germany.

In my mind, I keep on praying, my faith is with me, I know I can succeed. And I know in the end, there is something waiting for me. A future full of light and brightness. An Era that would not have come when I would have not moved myself out of the swamp I have been stuck in the last two years.

I do not doubt on myself any more. Even I did it all by myself, the support of certain people helped me a lot after all. My heart and thought are always with you.

<3 2 Takoyaki .... Thank you!