Fear takes over bones and flesh. You still do not know what will or may await you. There is only one single thing that still keeps you away from future. Passing it will change you forever and you would start to miss another past, a felt century of joy, pain, hard work and confusion. Shackles are already starting to lose as there is no more module manual that tells you what to do. It only speaks about that you will need to write a so called thesis. But what is that thesis, how to find your way through it? I feel a bit lost. I try to talk to the professor and teachers...
After all, I now know what I am so called to do. And still, when is the right point to start and where? It feels strange that after I am ordered for many semesters on what to do and what exams to write, I suddenly shall completely create something. And after all, it still feels like just another project work, only that I created the project topic by myself. I pray hard to god that I will get through this smoothly and that my ideas will be rewarded by success. Especially the pressure given by my family makes me even feel more nervous and insecure. So from time to time I tend to more think about "what if's" than to keep working hard as usual. I have the faith in myself that I can succeed with everything, but it feels strange that others seem to be more concerned about a fail than I am myself ?
I think I shall just not listen. And go straight forward. I already read a lot about information retrieval and about Cassandra, a NOSQL database that I will use for on-line data processing. The whole theme is clear to me, I know what to do. I have algorithms in my head and know what I need. I have papers on my desk, books in my shelf, my head full of inspiration. And still, the reproduced work out of it is nearly zero yet.
Yesterday, I wrote my last exam paper. I pray hard that now, as I have no other obligation, there will be nothing more to hinder me to be an official Computer Scientist.
Remember I was in Indonesia? My plans to go to South-Asia after my study are going more and more concrete. Another working lot, another thing I have to start. And again, I first finished my area of exams, then I finish my whole area of study, in the end I will even finish my whole area of Germany.
In my mind, I keep on praying, my faith is with me, I know I can succeed. And I know in the end, there is something waiting for me. A future full of light and brightness. An Era that would not have come when I would have not moved myself out of the swamp I have been stuck in the last two years.
I do not doubt on myself any more. Even I did it all by myself, the support of certain people helped me a lot after all. My heart and thought are always with you.
<3 2 Takoyaki ....