Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Never-ending Story: Existence

I have been in London for six days, my first self-managed trip abroad by plane. Used to travel in group or with at least someone, it was a completely new experience to me. An experience that really had positive effects on my confidence and maturation. I spontaneously more and more felt like to have a short get-away, so I booked my plane and my hotel and just moved away to have a rest. Even I enjoyed my stay there and really can feel the energy pumping through my veins, I more feel like writing of the thoughts and ideas I had during my stay there, while I could completely focus on myself and my thoughts.

I do not know if you ever heard about the movie "The Shining"? It first seems to be a really horrific movie... I randomly got to see it the night before I flew to the UK. Many of my thoughts during my stay were affected by that movie. While I was searching the right words what the movie is all about, my friend Farid told me it is about Existentialism and Buddhism. I suddenly remembered... Yes I know of that kind of ideas, I learned them while I was spending a lot of time with philosophy before... And I remembered who I was, I remembered who I used to be...

I realized: Yes, I forgot I existed, I was so dependent on others, that I almost forgot the most important thing - myself. During the last years of my life, I was so busy with trying to please others, that I did not understand anything any more about who I was, who I am and who I am going to be.

A good quote that seems to describe existentialism in my point of view is:
"Life... is strength. That is not to be contested; it seems logical enough. You live; you affect your world." -Jonaleth Irenicus

What does it mean? In my point of view it means: We have to take responsibility of ourselves, we are having all the potency and tools needed to build how our life will be. We all do not deny that we live... but not doing what has to be done -or let's say what we feel like what has to be done- is like being weak, giving up responsibility and our life to others or to nothing. Nobody will deny that actions have to be taken to succeed with our goals. And as some goals seem far away, we are still able to progress slowly. We have the power, and the tools.

I realized, I often seem to be stuck into the big problems. I realized, it has not to be that way, and the only reason why I am stuck into that problems is because I never began from the smallest steps to solve them. Why was I always perfect in solving problems of others? Because I always listened to the whole but gave advice which small actions have to be done next to start the solving.

That method from now on shall lead myself as well.


While I was in London, I had to deal with my own existence for the first time since a very long while... I saw, I existed, but did I really have been anything or anybody?

It somehow made me think of the song "I forgot I was alive" because I really did!

Reading and studying a lot of things had given me a lot of knowledge that I was not capable to use for myself. What a pity... but who knows my past (and I cannot publicly write it in here), knows that it was inevitable that I had forgotten who I really am. At least I was able to win a lot from 2011's decisions, and my self-confidence is now on a high level after I am back from London, my self-reflection makes me realize that I am back to life! A great experience like a reborn.

So forget the sorrows of yesterday, Om :)

Another big quote from the same guy in that field:
"I wonder if you are destined to be forgotten. Will your life fade in the shadow of greater beings?" -Jonaleth Irenicus

Think for yourself? We are even able to forget ourselves, so is supposed to think about us in the end if we do? We have to realize that we have to stand for something, our believes, our doings... always looking up to others and their doings will never bring you up as an individual, others even might not even know that you exist, and while you try to follow the top guys, you even forget your own existence...

The strange thing is, while I arrived in London, the whole feeling of overwhelmingly realizing that I am on my own and alone made me at first thought I am unwelcome and making me forget about my own existence. Now in the end I see: the progress had become the total opposite! I never was so aware of my own since a long amount of years, I do not even know if I ever really were aware of myself.

Not needing to think how to solve the problems was a great relief to find track back to myself. Too long had I been controlled, mindslaved and chained...

I hope the feeling will last, and that I can be the leader of my own life in future with my full and complete heart! =)

Special thanks and dedication to all who, strangers and non-strangers (especially my former mentioned friend Farid), who inspired me to a better kind of life, the life of myself!

PS: Oh ya... I forgot to write out about the Buddhism Idea of the Shining... next post ;)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Matter of Strategy: Focus and Discipline

As a sensitive person that is easy to upset or to worry, it is sometimes really hard for me to keep focused. I can find so many distractions everywhere... here the main distractions that keep me away from my actual all so important work that I had to do:

- invitations to a million of events: it is always hard for me to say no, especially to all the tempting things I like to do so much. Restless I go from place to place till I start to feel I need a break. It shouldn't be my free time that is exhausting me more than my work, right?

Luckily, I finally managed to NOT take too many invitations during weekdays any more. All the leaving work earlier to be on a place on time, sleeping late at 1 am and then waking up at 7... It was enough. I learned to say no if someone asks me out to a too complicated plan on weekdays.

- family war: it is really serious, and it goes on since months, and it gets worse and worse. it is really difficult to not get emotionally attached to that kind of stuff. We are one family and we should not keep on fighting and scolding till fainting with a big headache, right?

I did not really find a solution for that beside avoiding to take my old role as the family problem solver. Ordinary, my whole family asked me about any concerns, and I were the moderator and negotiator. Sadly, I feel a bit tired of the kind of fights that are going on that even I cannot fix any more. At the moment, I better silence my voice and watch the course everything is going.

- judgement and hatred: I never really understood, what I did that causes all this, but recently it became a really growing issue. Gossip about me never seems to stop recently, and I start feeling confused sometimes who is still a friend of mine. It was really tiring to make so many thoughts about that actually.

At least I never lost my friendliness. I never judged back, and I never searched revenge. I just decided, that I have to stay away from all the negative energy that some people like to spread for a while. And I had to do a big sacrifice, of course with the hope that it will spread something good again. I meditated a lot recently to stay calm and to make the negativeness leaving myself alone. It is hard to do if others always bring on some more, but I think I am on the good path to find peace.


Thanks for reading what keeps me busy recently. As you can see, I have three big things that distract me too easily from my actual work. And the answer to all the three things seem to be:

- a rational mind: it does not help to be impulsive. In tantrums we so often think too fast, and a lot of rude stuff that annoy people. There is no emotion.
- a lot of patience: no matter how upset you are, breath calmly, think twice... the best medicine is to take a nap first. There is peace.
- awareness: have a good perception on what happens and what is necessary to do. There is no ignorance.
- react smart: after you kept your emotions behind and emptied your mind and saw what is necessary to do, do it! if there are some problems that need more information, get them. There is knowledge.
- don't panic if all seems to go wrong: on any moment possible, as you took your actions and suddenly saw that that your current doing does not work out that way, go back to step one, but do not do something futile! There is no death.
- be strong and confident: like in my former blog post, it is always very important to keep believing in yourself. you have got the power to solve everything, you can ask others for help, but in the end, it all depends on you. be proud and remember you can only succeed if you know how. There is the force.

As you see, I cited the Jedi Code, for the one and only reason: It is not telling anything wrong! In fact, it is pure helpful wisdom in dark times... even I should know better as a Sith, but I tell you next time, why the sith code is also correct =)

Cheers and sampai jumpa lagi (see you next time!)