I do not know if you ever heard about the movie "The Shining"? It first seems to be a really horrific movie... I randomly got to see it the night before I flew to the UK. Many of my thoughts during my stay were affected by that movie. While I was searching the right words what the movie is all about, my friend Farid told me it is about Existentialism and Buddhism. I suddenly remembered... Yes I know of that kind of ideas, I learned them while I was spending a lot of time with philosophy before... And I remembered who I was, I remembered who I used to be...
I realized: Yes, I forgot I existed, I was so dependent on others, that I almost forgot the most important thing - myself. During the last years of my life, I was so busy with trying to please others, that I did not understand anything any more about who I was, who I am and who I am going to be.
A good quote that seems to describe existentialism in my point of view is:
"Life... is strength. That is not to be contested; it seems logical enough. You live; you affect your world." -Jonaleth Irenicus
What does it mean? In my point of view it means: We have to take responsibility of ourselves, we are having all the potency and tools needed to build how our life will be. We all do not deny that we live... but not doing what has to be done -or let's say what we feel like what has to be done- is like being weak, giving up responsibility and our life to others or to nothing. Nobody will deny that actions have to be taken to succeed with our goals. And as some goals seem far away, we are still able to progress slowly. We have the power, and the tools.
I realized, I often seem to be stuck into the big problems. I realized, it has not to be that way, and the only reason why I am stuck into that problems is because I never began from the smallest steps to solve them. Why was I always perfect in solving problems of others? Because I always listened to the whole but gave advice which small actions have to be done next to start the solving.
That method from now on shall lead myself as well.
While I was in London, I had to deal with my own existence for the first time since a very long while... I saw, I existed, but did I really have been anything or anybody?
It somehow made me think of the song "I forgot I was alive" because I really did!
Reading and studying a lot of things had given me a lot of knowledge that I was not capable to use for myself. What a pity... but who knows my past (and I cannot publicly write it in here), knows that it was inevitable that I had forgotten who I really am. At least I was able to win a lot from 2011's decisions, and my self-confidence is now on a high level after I am back from London, my self-reflection makes me realize that I am back to life! A great experience like a reborn.
So forget the sorrows of yesterday, Om :)
Another big quote from the same guy in that field:
"I wonder if you are destined to be forgotten. Will your life fade in the shadow of greater beings?" -Jonaleth Irenicus
Think for yourself? We are even able to forget ourselves, so is supposed to think about us in the end if we do? We have to realize that we have to stand for something, our believes, our doings... always looking up to others and their doings will never bring you up as an individual, others even might not even know that you exist, and while you try to follow the top guys, you even forget your own existence...
The strange thing is, while I arrived in London, the whole feeling of overwhelmingly realizing that I am on my own and alone made me at first thought I am unwelcome and making me forget about my own existence. Now in the end I see: the progress had become the total opposite! I never was so aware of my own since a long amount of years, I do not even know if I ever really were aware of myself.
Not needing to think how to solve the problems was a great relief to find track back to myself. Too long had I been controlled, mindslaved and chained...
I hope the feeling will last, and that I can be the leader of my own life in future with my full and complete heart! =)
Special thanks and dedication to all who, strangers and non-strangers (especially my former mentioned friend Farid), who inspired me to a better kind of life, the life of myself!
PS: Oh ya... I forgot to write out about the Buddhism Idea of the Shining... next post ;)