Monday, October 28, 2013

Never-ending Story: My Fight against Oblivion

"Mad? Are we mad milord, or is it perhaps that our truth is maddening." -Malkavian Phrase
That is a perfect question: As we fear the unknown so extensively, won't we distant ourselves from new, unknown ideas and inventions? Won't we keep ourselves in distance to what might be the unfavorable truth? Wouldn't we even close our eyes to truths and revelations just to avoid being seen as mad... and don't we prefer to stand with the majority of world views and to close everything away that seems strange, weird and even insane to us?

The humans invented a lot of infrastructures to get rid of the abnormal, the ones that thrill us out and give us fear and stress: the sick are in their hospital, the old are in their nursing home, the mad have their own asylums, the disabled have their own schools, the psychiatrists are feared, the criminals are in their prison and even the foreigners have got their own schools and immigration centers.
It may sound extreme... but try to think out of the box of society: Isn't it clear that there are institution for the "normal" and institutions for the "abnormal"? Two worlds that live parallel but that seem to seldom collide. Which reminds me how hard we try to belong to somewhere... Is this natural herd instinct actually the reason to abandon and replace?
"For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?" - W. H. Auden
Humans do not want to be alone. They fear loneliness and they fear entering the void of being forgotten. "Who will remember us?", we wonder and start to realize that the only thing we can do to avoid that kind of situation is to stay sane, to stay with the herd, to not be left behind. But what if you are different, what if you are not knowing where you belong to? 

I often realize that my expectations towards society are different to that of socially accepted norms. This gives me very difficult times sometimes. When this happens, I feel lime I am crumbling apart and loosing myself. I am fighting some kind of shadow, called loneliness. Most people do not understand how a always smiling, always friendly guy like me can feel like this. Most people do not understand how someone who always has family members and friends around himself can feel like this.
What most people just don't know, I am a man of high expectations. Expectations that sometimes hurt myself, and I am very sensitive too. I tried to lower them ever since but I am always missing the past days where I could live different. I spent a lot of effort to organize myself and my life, to keep it maintained. I am very well trained in doing things my way. 
Still, I value the accompany of someone more than anything. I do not need the biggest, the most fabulous free-time activities. I am always more than happy just to have people around me that I can feel close to. I remember the days where it was just more than nice when my friends sat in my living room and watched Pokemon while I was doing assignments on my notebook. It just felt great to know I am having great accompany... and to know we all can go to super market and cook later together.

Sometimes I wonder what has changed, but yes... people come and go. And it is hard to maintain a friends circle. What this all has to do with Madness and Civilization, you may wonder?

Like the mad have their own Asylums, away from civilization, hidden from peoples eyes... Where is the different to the kind of life that I so often have to experience? Maybe it is just a phase of my life, but loneliness and the feeling of being away from society preys on my mind way too often these days.

I am fully of faith, one day things will be different. I carry all my patience together and try to work hard to make that day come. I love life and I do not want to miss a thing. I got to know some new friends recently, and I try to keep my expectation not too high as I fear to get hurt again, but I give it a chance - maybe it is a new beginning.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Never-ending story: The mature kind of loving

"Be a man!", how often have you heard that? Have you ever felt tired of hearing such thing? Did it motivate you to bite through and take the challenge? Did it make you stubborn and getting unrealistic? Have your feelings ever have been suppressed at a moment where you wanted to share them and someone said: "Be a man!" ?

"Be a man. People say it all the time. But what does that even mean? Is it about strength? Is it about sacrifice? Is it about winning? Maybe it's simpler than that. You have to know when not to man up. Sometimes it takes a real men to set his ego aside, admit defeat and start all over again." - Patrick Christy

As love is the downfall of even the strongest, matters of love are by far the most occurring occasion where people are supposed to hear "Be a man!". Why is it this way? Yes, it takes a man to get into commitment, over break-offs, compromises, rejection and lowering the ego.

But is it so wrong to fall for someone?


As you know, I always did not dig out too much of my private stuff on my blog. This time, I offer a bit more to share with you guys but I will still stay only with the necessary parts.

What is it that can make love sometimes so painful, so bittersweet? So often we indulge ourselves with feelings of attachment and rejection. I thought for a while about that part and thought: What do I expect, what do we expect? We create a network of presumptions, don't we? What do we think what love is? We have a simple goal in our life: To love and be loved.
"Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely." - Kaz Ortega
Isn't it a failure to step out into the world and search for something called love? A fantasy you hardly understand yourself and what is full of assumptions, expectations? Stable your mind, breath in and think a bit more clearly: If you have not learned to love - especially how to love yourself - how do you expect to learn how to love someone else? Is the reason why you search for a loved one not more or less for the reason to have someone who loves you instead of yourself? Not having to deal with the fact that you are not capable to love yourself?

In my eyes it is really important to know this fact: Love is giving and the true kind of love is the one that gives with not expecting a reward. Love is not about you! Love whoever you like but loving does not mean you are loved or appreciated back. True kind of love does not need that. It is a plus if you get loved back - it is not a must.

I started to realize that most people expect being loved back... and they want to force people to love them back equally. In my eyes, that kind of love just starts to look like  you want to acquire property. You want to own someone. Someone for yourself. That is not fair... that is not love.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman.
Please, my dear readers, stay realistic. Stop this kind of thinking. If someone does not love you the same way as you do, life is not over. It can even start for real. If someone really means to stay or be friends with you, that means you are loved and blessed with friendship, too. You gained something so beautiful.

You have chosen to love. You should not give up if you are not paid back the same style. Love is not money or an investment. It is risk, you will never know the pay off, but it does not make sense to give up with it.

In my eyes, true love would mean you love with all your heart. You love someone and it makes you happy to love, to choose to love. It is priceless and independent. It has value only to you, at the start.

Be a man, love, love mature. I embrace life and love. I love my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters, my enemies and I love life. I love you.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

How to survive the present: Being unattached to the past

“The past is just something that's over.” - A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood

Sometimes, the past seems to be like a haunting, lurking ghost. Instead of letting the present take place with one hundred percent of your attention, its echoes always seem to be within earshot. You cannot flee from your past. Still, often we are the once that cling to it. That is understandable, as we are created by our experience, our knowledge and taught skills. It seems so easy, you learn by mistake, you do what makes you happy and will not put your hand on the oven once it got hurt by the fire.

As you all remember, I officially abandoned all the grudges I held to who ever hurt me, who ever had bad influence in my life and who ever did me wrong. It is true, it is a part of cutting the strings that held me back to my past. Still, I will always be defined by my past, by my academic grade, by my actions, what I did at which date and what I did not do. People will always remember me for who I was. It is all about expectations: The hypothesis that people are not random, they follow a route, a course. People desire to be determined and predictable. People desire to construct a possible outcome about any kind of action. They do fear the unknown, as I once mentioned before.

"It will not end, you know. Not until you acknowledge what you are." - Jon Irenicus
 Will you always run from your past? Or will you always keep it in mind and not live in the present? In my eyes, both are the same. When you run away, when you fear something, you have it always in present thought. Running away is the second step that happens when you lived in your past for too long and want to escape. My friends, I just can recommend, make peace with your past. The past is over, it was beautiful, it was painful, you suffered and laughed.... but you survived, you still live. Will you always keep on telling yourself: Wow! Look what I went through?

To me, the past is a gift and a curse. I been in all these dark and bright places, I battled myself all through it. I did not get lost somewhere, I did not become one with the forgotten realms of time. I am still here, and yes, I have my past. I survived, and maybe I can proud of myself. Still, I should not keep my wounds all so green. I battled, and my wounds have healed or become scars. I stand here and now and I do only talk about my past when being asked about it, even I sometimes have the kind of flashbacks that always remind me of the old stories of war heroes, that I heard before. 

I know, the future will be different to the past, I cannot call anything back, and there is no need to. Who wanted to leave left, who wanted to stay, stayed. I dance my dance in a fancy pair of shoes. The grey curtain falls softly on my past and I see the future more or less clear.

Living in the present is an important teaching in Buddhism, and I think that it is an important fact for every Existentialist. The opportunity is NOW. No matter how many failures or victories are behind you. You can raise or you can fall. You are your own master of destiny. Your hero in disguise.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Matter of strategy: How to feel again?

Forgiveness, my friends, is the first step to an easier life. Let your wounds heal, do not keep them open. To cling to the past means nothing but keep clinging to pain. Let go the grudges of yesterday. There exists so much better than keeping the mind full of memories about things you cannot make undone.

So, my friends, I decided to officially announce absolute forgiveness to everyone who has done wrong to me, who cause me pain of any kind for any reason. I know, within my heart, you did not know any better. And there is no need to keep reminding myself about it. I never held much anger against anybody, but the very few exceptions kept my mind busy enough. I opened my eyes and see the only truth is that I been expecting too much from some people that I cannot change or force to be some over-perfect ideal i always dreamed of. Men do mistakes, I do mistakes. I forgive all of you.

By letting the pain go, I fear to be less attached to reality. Even less than ever before. Most people know that I always seem to be a bit weird in social interactions. Some people do think I am clumsy with them, and others think I am a mystic puzzle. The sad truth is, I am not always feeling connected to what bothers the daily mind of other peoples. I love conversations, the deep kinds. I have and had a lot of dreams, which I do not know which to fulfill the first, and I would love to see some sympathy about them in others. But it seems very hard to be an integrated part in this world. It is weird how sadness gave me comfort and pain gave me the feeling of being alive. I do not want this anymore. I want to live, to be part of the machine called life.

Most people would not see life like a clockwork anyway. I observed the world, where everything moved so perfectly, precisely... but where too many things kept on floating away from me as well. I feel like a passive member within this clockwork. Deep inside my heart, I know that something would be missing when I am not there, but it is hard to identify what it is. Most people will say "You act, you affect your world.". That might be true but only if you think locally, within the own clockwork called life. Everything is in order for most people, it is a whole big setup. Like a tinker, a watchmaker, I dissect the clockworks... I observe every part in detail within a magnifier. The time feels like a stand still to me while I observe, while I try to understand. Is it the right way to be a part of life this way? I think definitely not. It only makes me question every stone, every leaf, every man and the meaning of existence.

How to come over this, you may ask? I believe, I only know one true answer about this. I know I cannot walk on this planet alone. I am frighteningly lonely. Still, it takes a lot of effort to let somebody close to me. You can stand next to me, you can talk days and nights with me, you can live years with me, and yet I can close up a lot about me towards you and you do only partially know me. This walls, I have setup for protection, I have to let them down for somebody I can trust, I can stay with, someone who will not become bored of me and I would not become bored of. 

What a dream. I am full of dreams. Can I ever completely fulfill them? Can I make my ideas become true? I see the clockworks, with a pipette I analyze the humans. Mankind, am I part of it? Sometimes I question my own status within this network of clockworks, that work, unquestioned. You do not ask yourself why the clock is working, you just let it run forward. It is scary to feel so abstractly and absurdly standing away from all this. Being obsessed with an idea of being able to understand the world completely, it can only lead in megalomania or narcissism. I feel a bit of both within my veins... whispering slightly. I know I am not such kind of person, it is just a defensive method to keep myself from falling apart.

Still, to recall again: I think I have to learn what it means to love, what it means to feel for and with someone. This is the only cure for all the mentioned above. The cure from something that may eat me alive if I do not take care about it.

Give me your suggestions, young fledglings, how to be a part of society again? Or how to live a normal life as a nomad or wolf/bear at least?