Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Matter of strategy: How to feel again?

Forgiveness, my friends, is the first step to an easier life. Let your wounds heal, do not keep them open. To cling to the past means nothing but keep clinging to pain. Let go the grudges of yesterday. There exists so much better than keeping the mind full of memories about things you cannot make undone.

So, my friends, I decided to officially announce absolute forgiveness to everyone who has done wrong to me, who cause me pain of any kind for any reason. I know, within my heart, you did not know any better. And there is no need to keep reminding myself about it. I never held much anger against anybody, but the very few exceptions kept my mind busy enough. I opened my eyes and see the only truth is that I been expecting too much from some people that I cannot change or force to be some over-perfect ideal i always dreamed of. Men do mistakes, I do mistakes. I forgive all of you.

By letting the pain go, I fear to be less attached to reality. Even less than ever before. Most people know that I always seem to be a bit weird in social interactions. Some people do think I am clumsy with them, and others think I am a mystic puzzle. The sad truth is, I am not always feeling connected to what bothers the daily mind of other peoples. I love conversations, the deep kinds. I have and had a lot of dreams, which I do not know which to fulfill the first, and I would love to see some sympathy about them in others. But it seems very hard to be an integrated part in this world. It is weird how sadness gave me comfort and pain gave me the feeling of being alive. I do not want this anymore. I want to live, to be part of the machine called life.

Most people would not see life like a clockwork anyway. I observed the world, where everything moved so perfectly, precisely... but where too many things kept on floating away from me as well. I feel like a passive member within this clockwork. Deep inside my heart, I know that something would be missing when I am not there, but it is hard to identify what it is. Most people will say "You act, you affect your world.". That might be true but only if you think locally, within the own clockwork called life. Everything is in order for most people, it is a whole big setup. Like a tinker, a watchmaker, I dissect the clockworks... I observe every part in detail within a magnifier. The time feels like a stand still to me while I observe, while I try to understand. Is it the right way to be a part of life this way? I think definitely not. It only makes me question every stone, every leaf, every man and the meaning of existence.

How to come over this, you may ask? I believe, I only know one true answer about this. I know I cannot walk on this planet alone. I am frighteningly lonely. Still, it takes a lot of effort to let somebody close to me. You can stand next to me, you can talk days and nights with me, you can live years with me, and yet I can close up a lot about me towards you and you do only partially know me. This walls, I have setup for protection, I have to let them down for somebody I can trust, I can stay with, someone who will not become bored of me and I would not become bored of. 

What a dream. I am full of dreams. Can I ever completely fulfill them? Can I make my ideas become true? I see the clockworks, with a pipette I analyze the humans. Mankind, am I part of it? Sometimes I question my own status within this network of clockworks, that work, unquestioned. You do not ask yourself why the clock is working, you just let it run forward. It is scary to feel so abstractly and absurdly standing away from all this. Being obsessed with an idea of being able to understand the world completely, it can only lead in megalomania or narcissism. I feel a bit of both within my veins... whispering slightly. I know I am not such kind of person, it is just a defensive method to keep myself from falling apart.

Still, to recall again: I think I have to learn what it means to love, what it means to feel for and with someone. This is the only cure for all the mentioned above. The cure from something that may eat me alive if I do not take care about it.

Give me your suggestions, young fledglings, how to be a part of society again? Or how to live a normal life as a nomad or wolf/bear at least?

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