Monday, October 28, 2013

Never-ending Story: My Fight against Oblivion


"Mad? Are we mad milord, or is it perhaps that our truth is maddening." -Malkavian Phrase
That is a perfect question: As we fear the unknown so extensively, won't we distant ourselves from new, unknown ideas and inventions? Won't we keep ourselves in distance to what might be the unfavorable truth? Wouldn't we even close our eyes to truths and revelations just to avoid being seen as mad... and don't we prefer to stand with the majority of world views and to close everything away that seems strange, weird and even insane to us?

The humans invented a lot of infrastructures to get rid of the abnormal, the ones that thrill us out and give us fear and stress: the sick are in their hospital, the old are in their nursing home, the mad have their own asylums, the disabled have their own schools, the psychiatrists are feared, the criminals are in their prison and even the foreigners have got their own schools and immigration centers.
It may sound extreme... but try to think out of the box of society: Isn't it clear that there are institution for the "normal" and institutions for the "abnormal"? Two worlds that live parallel but that seem to seldom collide. Which reminds me how hard we try to belong to somewhere... Is this natural herd instinct actually the reason to abandon and replace?
"For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?" - W. H. Auden
Humans do not want to be alone. They fear loneliness and they fear entering the void of being forgotten. "Who will remember us?", we wonder and start to realize that the only thing we can do to avoid that kind of situation is to stay sane, to stay with the herd, to not be left behind. But what if you are different, what if you are not knowing where you belong to? 

I often realize that my expectations towards society are different to that of socially accepted norms. This gives me very difficult times sometimes. When this happens, I feel lime I am crumbling apart and loosing myself. I am fighting some kind of shadow, called loneliness. Most people do not understand how a always smiling, always friendly guy like me can feel like this. Most people do not understand how someone who always has family members and friends around himself can feel like this.
What most people just don't know, I am a man of high expectations. Expectations that sometimes hurt myself, and I am very sensitive too. I tried to lower them ever since but I am always missing the past days where I could live different. I spent a lot of effort to organize myself and my life, to keep it maintained. I am very well trained in doing things my way. 
Still, I value the accompany of someone more than anything. I do not need the biggest, the most fabulous free-time activities. I am always more than happy just to have people around me that I can feel close to. I remember the days where it was just more than nice when my friends sat in my living room and watched Pokemon while I was doing assignments on my notebook. It just felt great to know I am having great accompany... and to know we all can go to super market and cook later together.

Sometimes I wonder what has changed, but yes... people come and go. And it is hard to maintain a friends circle. What this all has to do with Madness and Civilization, you may wonder?

Like the mad have their own Asylums, away from civilization, hidden from peoples eyes... Where is the different to the kind of life that I so often have to experience? Maybe it is just a phase of my life, but loneliness and the feeling of being away from society preys on my mind way too often these days.

I am fully of faith, one day things will be different. I carry all my patience together and try to work hard to make that day come. I love life and I do not want to miss a thing. I got to know some new friends recently, and I try to keep my expectation not too high as I fear to get hurt again, but I give it a chance - maybe it is a new beginning.